How many people are sick of hearing, "I wish I could help you" from their friends or complete strangers? I know I am. When I'm depressed and hear this. It doesn't make me feel any better! I know you wish you you could help me feel better, but you can't from where you are in the world with what problems I'm dealing with as they are IRL problems, not something you can help me with online! So stop saying "I wish I could help you" to me! Unless you are an artist that can draw my ideas for art for me, that'll help me get them outta my head, so I'll stop feeling insane, that's the only thing you can help me with online. Also what other line doesn't work on me is, "There are other people worse off then you" This is going to make me sound like an asshole, but... I don't give a fuck if people are worse off then me! I just don't! Cause I already know that their are people that are worse off then me in this world, but I can't do shit to help them at all like I want to, so it depresses me even more then what I already am and I don't need that! Since I'm not my fursona IRL to help the way I want to help people that are suffering in this world... So people that say that line to me can just shove it up their ass, if they are trying to use it to make me feel bad for being depressed in my fucked up life I have, to try and make me change and not be depressed with that tactic. Save it for someone who it'll actually work on! Right now I am depressed, feeling empty, lonely, feeling like I'm a defective human being due to my Autism and heart problems... That's why I'm doing this journal as I know other people are sick of hearing these lines when they are in need of help and have no physical help or someone to hold them close when they are alone and need an actual person to hold them to make them feel like they aren't alone in this fucked up world we live in now.

[Intro:]
sometimes you just feel tired.You feel weak. And when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up. But you gotta search within you,gotta find that inner strength and just pull that shit out of you, and get that motivation to not give up, and not be a quiter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse.



[Verse #1:]
Till I collapse I’m spillin' these raps, long as you feel 'em
Till the day that I drop you’ll never say that I’m not killing 'em
Cause when I am not then I am stop pennin them
And I am not hip-hop and I’m just not Eminem.
Subliminal thoughts, when I’ma stop sending them. Women are caught in webs, spin 'em and hoch venom .
Adrenalin shots of penicillin could not get the illing to stop. Amoxacilin's just not real enough.
The criminal cop killing hip-hop feeling a minimal swap to cop millions of Pac listeners.
Your coming with me, feel it or not, you’re gonna fear it like I showed you the spirit of God lives in us.
You hear it a lot, lyrics that shock. Is it a miracle or am I just product of pop fizzing up?
Fa shizzle my wizzle this is the plot, listen up... You bizzles forgot slizzl does not give a fuck!.

[Chorus - NateDogg]
Till the roof comes off, till the lights go out
Till my legs give out, cant shut my mouth.
Till the smoke clears out, and my high wears out
Ima rip this shit till my bone collapse.
Till the roof comes off, till the lights go out
Till my legs give out, can't shut my mouth.
Till the smoke clears out, am I high? perhaps...
Ima rip this shit till my bone collapse.


[Verse #2:]
Music is like magic there’s a certain feeling you get when you real
and you spit and people are feeling your shit.
This is your moment and every single minute you spend tryin to hold on to it cause you may never get it again.
So while you’re in it try to get as much shit as you can
and when your run is over just admit when it's at its end.
Cause I’m at the end of my wits with half the shit that gets in.
I got a list here’s the order of my list that it’s in
It goes, Reggie, Jay-Z, Tupac and Biggie, Andre from Outkast, Jada, Kurupt, Nas and then me. But in this industry I’m the cause of a lot of envy
so when I’m not put on this list the shit does not offend me.
That’s why you see me walk around like nothing’s bothering me.
Even though half you people got a fuckin problem with me.
You hate it but you know respect you got to give me
The press's wet dream like Bobby and Whitney Nate hit me.

[Chorus - NateDogg]

[Verse #3:]
Soon as a verse starts I eat at MC’s heart
what is he thinking, how not to go against me, smart
And it's absurd, how people hang on every word.
I’ll probably never get the props I feel I ever deserve
But I’ll never be served, my spot is forever reserved
If I ever leave earth that would be the death of me first.
Cause in my heart of hearts I know nothing could ever be worse.
That’s why I’m clever when I put together every verse
My thoughts are sporadic, I act like I’m a addict
I rap like I’m addicted to smack like I’m Kim Mathers.
But I don’t want to go forth and back in constant battles
The fact is I would rather sit back and bomb some rappers.
So this is like a full blown attack I’m launching at them
The track is on some battleing rap who wants some static
Cause I don’t really think that the fact that I’m Slim matters
A plaque and platinum status is wack if I’m not the baddest.

[Chorus - NateDogg]

[Outro:]
[Eminem & Natedogg Echo:]
Until the roof (until the roof)
The roof comes off (the roof comes off)
Until my legs (until my legs)
give out from underneath me

[Eminem:]
I,I will not fall,
I will stand tall,
Feels like no one can beat me.



Heard this song from the trailer for Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 up above when it always came on TV, had to download the song, but first I had to figure out what the name of the song was first. X3 Thank god for Youtube.

Well I haven't been on my messengers for a while, due to playing Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story. Well...

I finally beat Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story! OMFG -spazzes- X3 This game was so much fun! It was RPGish with the normal Mario-esq game play, but with other aspects involved that were fetishy in a way. What with Bowser going macro every time he got crushed, to a tag team special move with Mario & Luigi called Snack Basket. Where you throw a picnic basket up and have Luigi eat all the food that falls outta it, till he gets really huge and fat, before you use Mario in a button smashing move to throw Luigi up, then hit Luigi's button to make him do a belly flop onto the ground, thus damaging your enemies. To Bowser pigging out on food and getting stuffed by those ghost dudes till he gets fat as well. Hehe. I loved that part and him getting macro the most. Bowser growing to macro sizes happened a few times in the game, where him eating and getting stuffed with food only happened once. Though after that part later in the game you can go back to the room and they're be food left over to eat and he'll get fat again. Sucks you can walk around with him fat like that. Also there were elements of inflation with air and water for Mario. Heh. Plus there was muscle growth, but not actually muscle growth that we as furries and scalies know. It was more like one muscle in the body growing huge with the help of Mario & Luigi hitting these plus like balls into said muscle with hammers in a tandem way that was set with a rhythm music. Which I found to be awesome! ^^ To bad they didn't have Bower getting all muscly on the outside when you completed the hammering with Mario & Luigi.

That Fawful due was so fucking annoying though with how they made him talk, but some of the things he said was hilarious! Made me LMAO! His underling Midbus sounded like a retard though and that was really annoying. Plus WTF is he anyway? People are calling him a pig or warthog, but to me he looks like a combination of a pig and an armadillo like thing. Didn't see him to be sexy at all, like other people are seeing Midbus as. Glad you get to finish his as off and shut him up once and for all. Bower is the one that's hotter IMO! 8D Who agrees with me?! 8D Also the music was cool, till the last battle with Dark Bowser. Then the music kicked so much ass! The ending of the game was cute and a bit funny. Anyway... It's a long game and you'll get your monies worth. I give this game a score of 10 outta 10. ^^

I have 4 computer games that I don't want and am willing to sell them if anyone is interested? The games I am wanting to sell are...

Black & White 2
F.E.A.R.
The Sims 2
Area 51

They are all hardly played and still have their boxes, all their CDs in really "Like New" conditions, manuels and just everything that they came with when they're new. So it'd be 50$ for all or 15$ for each one. If you're interested in one of these games. Note me or comment on this journal. I'll send them to you via USPS. Probably ground as it's the cheapest for me. Probably first come first serve. Though I dunno. If I see servel people wanting the same game. It'll probably go by best offer then. Going to also post this to my LJ, so yeah. I'll let this go for like a while, before I see whats going on and see who wants what.

Things just keep getting worse today. I should have just stayed in bed when I realized how crappy the weather was outside when I woke up as it was gloomy and rainy type weather... Got on FA after waking up and that got me a little down. Then just sitting in my room, playing an online game as I listened to music on my MP3 player, my mom pounds on the door and then comes in to tell me that my sister's new fiancee just backed over one of our outdoor cats (Have 2 now of 3), killing it. She told me I had to go bury it, since it seems that I'm the one everyone expects to bury our dead animals... So that upset everyone, my sister's new fiancee the most, since he feels guilty for doing it. Then when we're burying it, I stepped into a red ant hill and didn't know it, till they're swarming and biting the fuck outta my right leg... Now my leg and foot is just burning and itching like hell as well as my left middle finger, cause I got bit there while brushing them off my leg, shoe and sock. Got bit right in the bending part close to the finger nail, so it's hard to bend it as it swelled up some. I really really hate red ants and we just put down ant killer on the lawn as well. I knew that the liquid stuff would have been better then the damned powdered stuff. Ugh... So today is just a really bad day today. -sighs- I feel like just more stuff that's bad is going to happen to...

Well the move went well. I was sorta sick on the day of actually moving. I packed my room last on the moving day. We did have friends help with moving which made the work easier. We have a lot of heavy furniture. After getting all the stuff from one house to the other, I was sore and really tired to the point of collapse. My legs felt like jello. I was exhausted. Anyway... My room has been set up for awhile and I've been helping around the house and that. Yesterday I locked myself outta the house and had to wait in the heat, till my sister came home. Glad that I had a cell phone to texted them that I locked myself outta the house. It was a couple of hours before they got home. I think we have ghosts in the house, cause the lock for the door nob wasn't in the locked position and when I closed the door behind me, it locked on it's own. I tried the knob and well it was locked, cause I noticed the pourch light was on in day time, so I went to turn it off. Also yesterday had our first ever bonfire. ^^ We just burned cardboard boxes, lawn waste and wood. It was a huge bonfire and it was cool though really hot. Forgot how hot a bonfire gets. ^^; Well I'm glad to be back.

Yep this is the last day I have living in this POS of a house, since tomorrow we'll be moving into the new house. Not really looking forward to moving the stuff into the new house. The big heavy stuff like the beds, dressers and other heavy stuff like that, which I know I'll have to help carry in with someone. Also becoming sick isn't good, since that happened on Monday. Sore throat and stuffed up. My sore throat kept getting really dry to the point it made me cough it I gagged, almost threw up a couple of times as well from gagging. Today I just feel like congested, but like it feels like it's draining and going down the back of my throat, so I could be getting better. I know my throat doesn't hurt as much as it did yesterday. I'm just hoping that I don't get majorly sick on the move day and that I'm completely better then, cause I do want to help move us into the new house. Anyway... So yeah. Last day in this POS of a house, so if you want to talk to me on MSN, YIM, AIM, e-mails or notes on here. Better get to it, cause I dunno if I'm going to have an unsecured network in the area I can leech off of to get Internet, so I might be off for awhile. So if you want to say your goodbyes or talk to me one last time. Better do it now. I know I'm going to miss the fuck outta everyone that I love and care for on here, since my computer is the only means of contact I have with everyone, due to living in a bumfucknowhere place and everyone is miles and miles away from me in other states and other places in the world. Just hope I don't go insanely depressive like I didn't in the past when we did first move into this POS, cause we went for months without Internet and I had nothing to do, so I went insanely depressive and that ended up in a huge family fight, that ended with me beating my sister with my own two fists, until she had a concussion. Also gave my ex brother in law some scratches on his face as I was trying to gouge his eyes out, since he had me pinned to the ground. After coming back home, (after being arrested you can say for domestic violence, even though today that isn't on my record, due to the fact that it was do to the stress and circumstances of living I was going though. Plus being suicidal. Also probably for being Autistic as well.) after being held in the local police station to wait, until I was transported to a faculty were suicidal people who are arrested for things like domestic violence and other things. I still hate myself for doing that to this day. What I did to my sister. Not what I did to my asshole ex brother in law, cause at the time he was still my brother in law. Looking back on what I did to him that day. I chuckle, cause I did leave some good scratches on his right cheek. They looked like animal scratches. Heh. So yeah... If I don't have net at the new house and have to wait for my family to get an ISP, I'll try and keep myself busy till then and try not to get depressed due to loneliness and missing all of you. After all... I do have to help my soon to be new bother in law dig a fire pit to burn our garbage, so that'll keep my busy. ^^ Also when I do get net back. I'll definitely post a journal saying how the move went and all that stuff.

Yep! Going to be moving soon into a new house. Better then the POS my family is living in now. My ex brother in law can have this place. Probably going to be busy these few days that are coming up, so if I'm not on. Well that's why. We're going to be moving in next Wensday. Dunno if I'm going to have internets over at the new house, so I might be off for awhile, till we do. Since right now I'm leeching off of unsecured networks in my area with my wireless Belkin N Adapter. The only thing I'm not looking forward to moving is the actually packing our shit up and moving it. It's good excersize, but man do I get tired and have to take breaks a lot and keep hydrated, due to my heart problem. Especially with the Florida heat. Just hope I don't end up killing myself, cause last time I moved, my whole immune system crashed, due to myself over excerting myself with said moving. Ended up in the hospital and having to get a hemoglobin transfusion. Anyway... Just wanted to let you guess know that I was going to be moving to a new house soon, so if you don't see me on. Not to worry. It is a nice house, since I did go and see it on the outside first and then on the inside, already picked my bed room and I can tell you that it's bigger then the one that I have now. ^^ Also since it ish like in the country, I can play pyro and burn our garbage and things. Hehe. That's going to be fun. >3

So no more dealing with no AC and being hot, sweating my balls and ass off. No more dealing with mold or the house that we are currently living in falling apart. We just won't have to deal with the shit no more. My ex brother in law can deal with it. Heh.

Lately I'm been in a tag of war with my emotions. I have been doing good emotion wise. Been happy, but like Tuesday night, I just was just sitting there and just all of a sudden felt like a was a worthless peice of shit and didn't want to live anymore. I felt empty and just felt like I was a waste of flesh. Went to bed a few hours later and woke up not feeling that way, but had a killer headache throughout the whole day the next day. Now last night I felt the same way. Though I felt even worse feeling worthless, so I might be going back to a so called "Suffering period" like I was before. Just filled with emotional, physical and mental pain, that last for days, weeks or months on end. A hate of life, myself and a longing for death to come and take me away from this life of hell I live in... Cause that's just what happens when I get in these periods. I feel better today, but I feel so tired for the stress that's being put on my body, due to having heart problems. Anyway... That's it for this journal.

Yeah. I was doing OK, feeling better, happier and that after getting away for those two days in Tampa with Mal. Read here at this link http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/793549/
Though now I'm right back to being stressed, axeitized, in a lot of different kinds of pain, etc. All due to family fucking drama!

Yesterday it just blew up. See my youngest sister came down from NYS with her two kids (My niece and nephew) to stay for the summer. Well she is bi-polar. Anyway... That day my youngest sister, my second older sister, her fiancee and myself, went out to buy fireworks for the 4Th Of July. Well when we got back. I went into my room to get back on the computer and my messengers to talk to my friend I told I'd be back. As I was doing that, I heard my youngest sister screaming at the top of her lungs at someone. That someone was my ex brother in law's cunt of a girlfriend. Yes. My ex brother in law's girlfriend is a fucking pill popping, cunt of a woman, an unfit mother of two brats of kids and just other bad things. Read here for more on this fucking cunt whore.

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/650167/

Anyway... Well my sister was screaming at the top of her lungs at this bitch, cause of the cunt's brat of a 4 year old daughter, being impatient and almost pushing my 64 year old mom down, trying to get by mom as my mom was walking to go outside to do something. My mom all most fell when that happened and also my mom told the brat to "be patient" and put her hand on the kid in a stopping motion when she said that, before continuing to walk, but still the brat didn't want to wait and almost push my mom down. That's what set of my sister and that's what she was yelling at the cunt about.

So I come out of my room to see what was going on and it just escalated from there. Cause the whore said something about my third sister's kid hitting her 4 year old baby in the stomach, which isn't true. Cause my nephew hits hard and if he did punch the cunt's 4 year old brat in the stomach. She'd be on the floor screaming in pain. Since my nephew is 7 and he hits hard, since he's punched his mom a few times. Anyway... After that. My sister went off on the cunt, I mean got in the bitch's face and screamed at the top of her lungs. Took my other sister and me to pull her in the house. Well that set me off (cause I've been holding it in for a long time and you can only sit by and watch this shit go on, before you just go off yourself) and I told the cunt my two cents. I was like, "You know what Heather. If my sister takes my mom with her when she goes back up to NYS. I'll go to and then I'll shut of the electricity, the water and you and jay (My ex brother in law) can deal with this piece of shit (The trailer/mobile home/manufactured house or whatever you want to call it) on your own." Then I walked in the house. I said that to the cunt, because she was outside already talking to Jay, before all this happened, sitting on the porch. So after she got yelled at the first time by my sister for her brat of a 4 year old, almost pushing my mom down. She said something along the lines, cause my sister said she was leaving and going back up to NYS, since she was sick of the shit. The cunt said something along the lines of, "Good if you're leaving. Take your mother with you." or something like that. Well that's what set me off when I was told that by my other sister's fiancee. Cause Jay, Heather and her two kids live in this house for free. It's my mom, me, my sister and her fiancee that pay the bills, so they are freeloaders. My mom and myself pay most of the bills with our SSI checks that come the first and 3rd of the month, since my sister recently got fired from her job, due to stupid shit and unemployment she gets wouldn't pay the bills.

Anyway... After saying my two cents. My ex brother in law was pissed and he came into the house and said "This house gets sold.", since him and my sister's name is on the paperwork. When he said that. My third sister went off again on him and started to to cuss him out at the top of her lungs. Cause he got pissed at what I said, cause he knows it's the truth. Plus after I said my two cents, he said, "I'll just turn the electric and the water on in my name." That made me laugh! He is unemployed and gets only 200 in unemployment, so he couldn't afford to live in this house! (He's lucky I didn't say that to him) Due to lot rent being close to 400 and the mortgage being close to 500, so paying it of is almost 1000 with taxes added it. He's know that's the truth and that's what pissed him off. Also he couldn't even turn on the electric and the water in his name, due to the deposit fees, since the electric is over 500 for a deposit, since he tried to turn it over in his name when the electric got shut off as the bill was close to 1000 as well as he owes money to the electric company himself. You can read about that here in my journal with the same link above.

Just to get to the point. Now that this fight has happened. My sister and her fiancee are looking for a better house quicker then they were, since they are sick of the shit that goes on with this house and sick of those guys. My asshole of a ex brother in law, his cunt of a girlfriend and the two brats, left last night and are staying at her mother's house and that's not going to be long, due to her mother told her one day to, "Pack up your shit and get out." Cause her mother can't stand her now either. Me... I was and still am fucking stressed about what has happened. As I type this now I feel like I can't sit still, I feel numb, am shaking, my heart is pounding in my chest, it's hard to breath and I feel like I'm going to vomit. I just have this feeling like something really bad is coming and 95% of my feelings do happen. Then I go, "I knew this was going to happen!" Oh and also... It's already starting to get bad, due to the AC's coolant motor burning out as when the AC is on. It hardly cools down the house like it did. >_

Well now that I posted all that I have to post for now. It's journal time! Well I have some good news (Finally). The power isn't going to be shut of as my sister paid some of it. My family god some good luck on Wensday when a rainbow formed over our house, after a T-storm came though. It was still ranning and the sun was shinning brightly. They say when that happens you get good luck and we did. The good luck was on Thrusday, my sister got her last pay check from work in the mail. That's how she paid some of the power bill. Now those greddy fuckers can't turn us off. If they do. My family is going to be pissed. Also we had a T-storm on Thursday that knocked out power, like at 10 something at night and it went for a couple of hours. The whole community was pitch black as everyone lost power. Came on around 12 something. Why is it always when I'm in the middle of something and the powe goes out? -shrugs-

Well that's because our power is probably going to be shut off again. The bill is already past due and the only income that's coming in is my mom's and my social security income that we only get at the beginning of the month, since my sister was let go from her job in one of the past months. She's looking for a job and has been looking, but due to the economy it's really hard finding one. Our electric company just sucks balls, due to their rates and that. Instead of the bill, being close to 1000 bucks like last time. It's a little over 400. Though with the deposit fees they charge. It's probably going to be close to 1000 again, since the depost fees they charge us is 500 buck, since they raised it from 300. They don't care if my mom is on oxygen and will die without it, the fact I have heart problems and dehydrate very easily in the Florida heat, thus getting heat stroke very easily and possibly dying from that and that my one nephew has really bad breathing problems and needs to take treatments from a machine that needs electricity. No one can help us as when we got the power shut off before, we called agency that help with money like the Red Cross and other places like that that help the people in our situation. Though they could only give like 100 bucks or just a little more to help and that's it. Though since you need the whole ammount of the bill to get the power turned back on. It doesn't help at all, cause one you go through something like the Red Cross and then try to ask help form other places, they always ask you questions to see if you've already asked help from other places, so usually if you say yes that you have asked help from other places, they'll just say that they can't help you due to you already getting the help from the other place, so it just sucks. So yeah... If I dissapper offline for awhile. That's what happen and just letting you all know so that you don't worry about me. God I hope that the power doesn't get shut off during the hotest days of Florida...

That's what I get for staying up till six in the morning and only get a couple hours asleep... Anyway... HAve some bad news for all my friends and furry family. I might not be online for awhile, cause today our internet was shut off. Right now I'm using someone else unsecured network to leach off of, but the signal isn't that strong and I keep getting disconnected from it. So anyway... I just wanted to stop by and say if you don't hear from me for a while. That's why. I'll be back once we pay the bill and that'll be probably at the first of next month.

Hmmm... Let me think... Someone in my family could die/ get killed or my whole family could die or get killed (In which I'll be fucked and alone), become homeless with my family(in which case I won't survive long), or something else that's really fucked up! >_< FUCK FUCK FUCK!

These past couple of weeks for my family and I have been really fucking ass shitty! My life has been fucking full of suffering and pain, lonliness, so it's like I've been living in the 6th level of hell... Now with these two past weeks, it's has been like living in the deepest level of fucking hell! DX Here's why...

1. Sister got fired from her job
2. Sister's van completely dies
3. My ex brother in law's/his new GF's car got reposseded (Leaving us with nothing to get anywhere)
4. The power gets shut off (For a while. Got shut off yesterday at like 1 something PM EST and we just got it turned back on today at like 6 something PM EST)

My family and myself are fucking stressed... I can't take this shit anymore! Now you know why sometimes I just want to fucking end it all... Just so sick of fate always fucking with my family and me. Sick of the suffering I'm going though with all the fucking pain and sickness I'm in cause by emotional, mental and physical pains and lonliness that I'm in and not being able to do anything, but sit here and suffer, because I keep failing or facing death when trying to get anything fucking done! Fucking hate our electric company, cause we had to pay the full amount of the bill, before they would turn it back on. That amount was over $700. We had to beg, borrow and scroung up the money. Thank god last night was cool here in Florida and it was breezey throught the whole day yesterday, cause sometimes it get really humid and hot during the spring and blazing and humid in the summer. Usually I sleep with a fan on, so I don't over heat due to my heart problems while I sleep, cause I sweat like a pig on a spit, so I didn't have my fan last night or AC but as I said it was cool outside and it wasn't that bad, since I used not all my bed covers to cover up with, but my thinest blanket and only that and had my window open. Cause if I'm sweating or freezing my ass off. I won't be able to sleep at all. So yeah... That's why I wasn't on yesterday or most of the day today, cause I was sitting in the house without power. Thank god I had my DS fully charge and a word find to keep myself, busy or else I would have gone fucking insane with boredom or would have driving my already stressed out family with my boredom to the point I'd have screamed at. That's what's been going on lately for me. -_-

Cause mostly I just copy and paste from my FA journal ot here as that's where I post my journals first. Anyway... Life is still living, suffering in pain and sickness 24/7 hell for me. Now my family is going through the same thing with family drama, bills piling up to the point that power gets shut off, due to not being able to keep up with it and all that other shit that makes life suck so fucking much. So yes. I'm still fucking hating life and am still suffering in it. So there ya go...

Yes. As I sit here typing out this journal right now... I am being poisoned by black mold. My sister already has black mold poisoning and my sister that came down from New York for the summer went home with black mold poisoning. The black mold is whats causing my mom to be sick with pneumonia that hospitalizes her as well as it is making me sick all the time as well, with varies illnesses. So that's part of why I am suffering a life of Hell as of late...

Now the owners of the community that owned the house before my sister owned it knew the house has black mold in it. Since we moved into the community into another smaller house that only had 2 bedroom and there was 6 people living in it, so my bedroom was the living room, so to speak. Were I slept on the couch and spent my time in my "So called bedroom" for I think it was half a year or maybe one or two years, before we moved into the current house, manufactured home or whatever the fuck you want to call it when you look at it. Anyway as we're living in the 2 bedroom home we heard that one of the houses in the community was taped off, due to black mold and the community owners sent people into said home to clean out the black mold or so we think they did, but as we all know that if the black mold is bad enough the house has to be torn down completely, not tried to be cleaned out and resold, but in this case it was resold and when my sister bought the house. The community owners did not disclose the info about the black mold at all, even when my sister asked them if the house was the one that was taped off due to having black mold in it as we're bring my mom into the house and they said that it wasn't the house that was taped off due to black mold, so basically they lied to make money.

My sister is figuring out what she can do and I know that we can sue those that sold the house to my sister for the danger that they put us in as black mold can cause bleeding lungs and can kill us. Though being that we are a family that lives pay check to pay check to just get by in this world... We are stuck in this house, breathing in this black mold, until we can find a way out. I mean right now I can grab my digital camera, walk into the one bathroom of two and take a picture of the black mold that is growing around the bath tub. Sometimes families like mine have to live in houses with these or worse conditions, just to live in this world and how it is now...

[V1:]
It's days like this I wish that I, wish that I had stayed asleep
It's times like these that make it so difficult to be
The light at the end, the crack in the sky
there's no promise for release
No way for me to get away
And all I'm trying to do is breath

[Chorus:]
Searching...for something more
Searching...for something right
Searching...for a sense of clarity
Searching...for a place to die!

[V2:]
Days like this I really wish, I really wish I wasn't me
It's times like this that make it hard, makes it hard to fuckin' see
No light at the end, no crack in the sky
everyone ends up deceased
A life like mine makes a man, turns a grown man to a flea

[Chorus:]
Searching...for something more
Searching...for something right
Searching...for a sense of clarity
Searching...for a place to die!

[Pre-verse:]
Piece by piece, I slowly fade away,
I slowly drift apart
I see a different world, closing in on the future
Sorry to be so cynical but it's all I know
Piece by piece, I slowly start to change
I slowly start to change!

[V3:]
It's days like this I wish that I, wish that I had stayed asleep
It's times like these that make it so difficult to be
No light at the end, no crack in the sky
everyone ends up deceased
A life like mine makes a man, turns a grown man to a flea

[Chorus:]
Searching...for something more
Searching...for something right
Searching...for a sense of clarity
Searching...for a place to die!

Searching for a place to die!

I wish I could find a place to die... I'm just sick of my worthless life, all the suffering and pain I'm going through in this life of living hell. Just wish it to end... Though in order to find my place of death, I have to go to a foreign country like India or somewhere over in Asia or Europe where they do have death doctors, that can put me down with some kinda drugs like they use in lethal injects, so I can be put down in a non painful way, like I want. That or find some underground death doctor in the US... In other news my mom is outta the hospital and back home, though shes still in a lot of pain of her own. Either this Friday or next Friday, we're getting internet, cable and phone back, least I won't have to use the shitty connection I'm leeching off of when we get internet back anymore as it's just constantly disconnecting and reconnecting and it's a pain in the ass when you're trying to talk to someone on IMs or trying to do something online. Be glad when I have a stable connections when we get our internet back up. Not to mention having TV again to watch as I've been fucking bored without it.

Well my mom is back in the hospital again for the second time. Forgot to write a journal telling that she came back home, but she back into the hospital again. Has pneumonia again. First time she went to the hospital she had pneumonia as well, but with Mrsa. After she got of the hospital and came home. She still wasn't doing to good. Always in constant pain, shaking more (So I noticed) and just other things. Now she's back in the hospital with the same thing. Pneumonia that is as she was taking in yesterday, while she was at dialysis. So my mom hasn't been doing really well and might be getting worse and worse as the day move on.

Now onto me... I haven't been doing to great either. I've been in pain for over 50 days now. Just constantly in emotional, physical and mental pain with no end in sight. My life is one fucking living hell, except when I'm asleep. That the only time when relief comes from my pain. Though when I wake up... All the pain comes flooding back and I really hate it. I'm just fucking miserable, in pain and suffering every waking minute of the day. I just want it to end. Though it won't end till I get the things I need that I don't have, but that's not going to happen before it's to late for me...

Is on Feb 12. 30 days away from now. I'm going to be 24. Though I'm not looking forward to it... I'd rant about as to why I'm not looking forward to it, but I'll just save people that hassle of reading it. -sighs and just walks off-

Yeah... 09 is here and 08 is gone. Just another year for me to suffer through alone, in tons of pain and other shit in this life of hell of mine... Maybe this year... I'll just drop dead? Boy wouldn't that be fun to do. At least I wouldn't be suffering anymore... Fuck 09 and all the bad shit that's going to come my way... -walks off into the darkness and stays there-